Wednesday, February 07, 2007
This is what I want...true love
ROME (Reuters) - Call it the eternal embrace.
Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other.
Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other.
"It's an extraordinary case," said Elena Menotti, who led the team on their dig near the northern city of Mantova.
"There has not been a double burial found in the Neolithic period, much less two people hugging -- and they really are hugging."
Menotti said she believed the two, almost certainly a man and a woman although that needs to be confirmed, died young because their teeth were mostly intact and not worn down.
"I must say that when we discovered it, we all became very excited. I've been doing this job for 25 years. I've done digs at Pompeii, all the famous sites," she told Reuters.
"But I've never been so moved because this is the discovery of something special."
A laboratory will now try to determine the couple's age at the time of death and how long they had been buried.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Me Update...I am doing much better now, both physically and mentally. T came over Saturday night and again, he confuses the crap out of me. He made me dinner, nothing special but he took care of it. We were watching a movie and he would occasionally just smack me (we do that). I have stopped touching him because we went back to "friend" status when he stopped kissing me. That night was different for some reason. We talked about the pregnancy, his fears, my fears, why I told him that I was prepared to do it on my own, how he wouldn't have abandoned his child, all of it. I don't know what changed things that night. I don't know if it was my phone ringing off the hook from men that I hadn't talked to in ages. One being my friend Gus who visits me here periodically. Another being V, that I met months and months ago and haven't talked to since (must have thought he could get a booty call, although he never got one before)...
Anyway, at one point he went into my room to lie down on the bed. I didn't follow him. I came in there a few minutes later and he asked me if I was scared of him. Scared of him? Um, no. I told him to move over so I could lie down. The lights were off, then he turned the tv off. We layed there and I thanked him again for being there for me throughout this ordeal. I told him that I didn't want to call him the day I went to the hospital but was talked into it by my mother. I told him he didn't have to go there. I, then asked him why he did go. He asked me not to put him on the spot. I didn't realize I was. I'm not really sure what that means. I accidentally touched his stomach at one point and said sorry. He told me there were no rules saying that I couldn't touch him and put my hand on his stomach. I, of course, didn't pull back and started caressing his stomach, up his chest with my fingertips (he likes that). He reached down and pulled my face up to him and kissed me. It wasn't the kiss on the forehead like I have been getting. It wasn't the kiss on the top of my head or on my cheek. It was a passionate kiss, which eventually grew into the "I want to fuck you" kiss. I told him that I couldn't do anything, he said he knew. That night when he left, he kissed me goodbye. The man confuses me! Of course, I think he confuses himself. I know he cares about me or else he wouldn't still be here. He is going to my family's with me this coming weekend and going riding again. Someday, he will eventually know what he wants. I hope I am in the picture.
In the meantime, seeing as we aren't exclusive...I met two people yesterday F and K. F is totally totally not my type. We have been talking for awhile, several months in fact. I will continue talking to him and we can be friends but there will never ever be a love connection. Quite frankly, physically I find him repulsive. Then there is K. He is Indian. He is young, attractive, drives a BMW hard top convertible, has a great job, and was really into me, although somewhat pushy. One big problem is he is deathly afraid of dogs. Hmm, two dogs in my household. The entire time I am with him he is trying to get close to me by holding my hand, keeping my hands warm with his, nuzzling up to my neck, trying to kiss me. I felt nothing. No spark, no nothing. All I could think about was, I wish I was here with T. *sigh I am; however, going to continue dating until T and I at some point say that we want to be exclusive with each other (if that happens).
In other news, we did some mold tests in my office at work because we had concerns about the health of our office. Any outside visitors that we get complain that they have breathing problems while they are here. I suffer from headaches frequently and the occasional sneezing fit. One of the women I work with started working from home because she is pregnant. Maybe, I should have gone home faster, too late to think about that now. But here are the results. Isn't that the grossest thing you have seen. It is headed off to the lab now for analysis. I hope they move us! I hope they tell us to work from home :).
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I really would like to die right nowI realize this might be a TMI post but hey this blog is about me. I am doing fairly well emotionally but physically, I would really rather die right now. Now, I have had cramps in the past..most women have but I have never experienced painful cramps that I am having now! I want to crawl under a rock and die. It feels like someone is tearing my insides out slowly with a butter knife. I really really hope this ends soon. How am I supposed to forget and move on when I am in such great physical pain right now or is this supposed to be a reminder to me to make sure that the next time I have sex that he must have 5 condoms on?
Monday, January 08, 2007
It's now officialI got the call from my doctor this afternoon. My HCG levels went from 842 to 330 something overnight. It's official, I am no longer pregnant. I was going to say I lost the baby but it wasn't really a baby yet. I am saddened by it all but there is some level of relief. I think it was a damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of situation. I called T and told him the emotional roller coaster is over and that I was sorry for putting him through all this. He told me he wished I would stop saying that. He told me that he cares about me but he is relieved. He didn't think it was fair to bring a child into this world under our circumstances. Our circumstances aren't as bad as some but I understand his point. Either way it still hurts. I told him that I wish things could be the way they used to be. He said they are, nothing has changed. He is a good man. He is the first good man I have met in a long time. He has been there for me throughout this ordeal, even though it was a short ordeal. He could have took off running in the other direction but he didn't. He sat there next to the hospital bed with my mom there after only getting a couple of hours sleep.
I wonder if this was my last chance to have a child. I wonder if he would be willing to donate some sperm later on. We would have made a gorgeous baby, probably a basketball player. He is 6'4 and I am 5'9 :).
I sent him an email a little bit ago telling him that I understand why he felt the way he did and if he would be available this weekend to help me drink myself into oblivion.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Now it's not so official...I want off this emotional roller coaster! Yesterday morning I woke up and saw some blood. At that point, I realized I wanted this baby and didn't want to lose it. I called the OB that I was going to try to make an appointment with and they wouldn't see me because I was a new patient (I don't currently have an OB). They told me to go to the emergency room so I did. I called my mom and told her that's where I was headed. She told me I should tell T. I called him and surprisingly he said he would be right there.
I get to the emergency room and let's just say the doctor there has a horrible bedside manner. He comes in, puts his rubber gloves on, feels me up, takes his gloves off and tells the nurse "I am done here" not once saying a word to me. After numerous tubes of blood taken, catheter inserted, an external ultrasound, a transvaginal ultrasound and a shot because I am o- and about 6 hours I get conflicting information from the doctor. My HCG was 842 which according to everything I have researched is average for the number of weeks I am pregnant. The doctor tells me that the bleeding is not normal and that I need to follow up with an OB in a day or two more bloodwork and another ultrasound. He made it sound like I was borderline having a miscarriage. OK. At this point T had left because he had to get to work and so I called him to let him know that everything was still up in the air. I didn't know anymore now than I did at 9a that morning. The nurse came to give me my discharge paperwork and on the paperwork it says miscarriage. I asked her about it. She told me that I did in fact have a miscarriage. I just need the follow up to make sure that all of the tissue etc is expelled. I call T back in tears and tell him. He tells me he is sorry. I tell him I am sure you are somewhat relieved. He said he is but he isn't dancing on tables either. He is sorry that I am going through this.
The hospital records indicate that there is no fetal sac but from what I have read it could be to early still. So because of that, the hospital thinks I have miscarried? I have talked to numerous women and many of them have said they had the same symptoms and went on to have healthy babies. WTF. If the hospital doesn't know for sure, then say I don't know for sure.
So today, I spent most of the day on the phone trying to find an OB that will see me. I called probably 40 or so and not one will see me. They can get me in, in February. Luckily, my primary care allowed me to go have more blood work done to see if the HCG has gone up or gone down and they put STAT on it to get the results back today. Well it is 7:47p now on a Friday. I guess it doesn't matter that it is important when it is time to go home. I have to wait all weekend to find out what is going on. Am I pregnant still or did I just lose it?
I had to tell T today that the emotional roller coaster might not be over yet. *sigh
Just let me off, I need to vomit!!!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
It's OfficialIt's official, the home pregnancy tests weren't lying to me. I am pregnant. Those three little words scare the shit out of me, I think more so than the other three little words.
T called me today to see how I was feeling and what the doctor said. I told him it was confirmed. I told him that we probably need to sit down and talk at some point and he agreed. I don't know where he stands on this at all. I don't know if he is in favor of abortion, adoption or having it. I don't know if he intends to be a father to this baby or what. The pending conversation scares me. As it is, I am very stressed out and my Lupus is flaring up because of the stress. I am barely eating because I just feel so queasy all the time.
I think my biggest fear at this very moment is losing T all together. This came at such an inopportune time! T and I are perfect together in every way, even if it was to be only as friends. We were just instantly comfortable with each other and I am so scared of losing that. I almost feel like an episode of Will and Grace where they were going to raise a baby together as friends. The question is will my friend stick around?
I pray that he does...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
He knows...I told T yesterday. It went better than expected; however, he isn't dancing on tabletops either. He is in shock and I am just trying to give him time to digest it and say whatever he needs to say to me. Later that day, he asked if he could come by before he went to work. I was half expecting him to ask me to have an abortion. He came over cooked me dinner (nothing extravagent but still made it for me). At that point I asked him why he came over. He told me because he wanted to make sure that I was ok.
He said he felt bad because I said I was sorry and that I didn't tell him Saturday because I didn't want to ruin his New Year's Eve. He feels bad because I am more concerned about the shit going on in his life over what is going in mine.
Today, he asked me if I set up the Dr's appt. I think he is still hoping that the test will come out negative. Not likely. He said he would be really nervous to go and I told him he didn't need to go. He told me not to take it the wrong way. I told him that I wasn't taking anything in any particular way. I told him I was fully prepared to do this on my own. He said "do what on your own?" Um, have this baby. He said, well I guess that answers a couple of questions. I said, "what questions, did you want me to abort it?". He said, "that's a tough question, would you be ok with it?". I told him again, that I would do this on my own if I had to and that I didn't expect anything from him. He asked me if I was putting him on a guilt trip and if I was that it wasn't cool. I told him no and sorry if it felt that way. So he is irritated with me right now. I hope he comes around. I do want him in my life and the baby's life. I guess time will tell.
